I’ve Been Here the Whole Time

I have tried to keep consistent with updating all of this website rubbish but I have fallen behind.  So I am going to write about life since the last few months have gone by and a journey into the depths of new discoveries.  I promise it is going to be good!

So starting in a February I was teetering on taking a workshop/seminar that would hopefully expand my art mind and allow me to get out of this rut that I was in. The “WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING ALL THIS FOR?” kinda rut.  The “I SHOULD JUST FIGURE MY CREATIVE CRAP OUT!” kinda rut.  (Actually I just wanted to get out of my mind and find a fresh perspective so I didn’t go cuckoo…)  So I did.  It was called  Taking Your Work To the Next Level, hosted by the lovely  Art Intersection.  It was being taught/led by James Hajicek and Carol Panaro-Smith whom I had known about and even sat through a guest lecture once during my studies at Arizona State. The next three months were great.  I was finally feeling something, almost unbearable at times, but definitely a feeling of “something good has got to come from this.”  I was stressed, nervous, and questioning my whole artistic existence every night that I would come home from the 3 hour seminar. Sounds awesome, right?  I drove my husband nuts as I would lay in bed with my mind buzzing and almost tears in my eyes.  Sometimes the madness of a creative brain and soul can be unbearable.  Then add in the mix of raising 2 kids and running a household as the stay at home mother and you have a whole new landscape to deal with.  I have always had a hard time focusing on one thing.  I jump from idea to idea, I create piles of crap in my wake, and I am not organized or refined at all.  I exist in chaos while trying to make others around me think I have it all together.  I was trying to find time to make my art so I wouldn’t go nuts.  You know, that desire that you have to get this stuff that is in you OUT? I was starting to get depressed because I couldn’t do both to the extent that I truly wanted.  I would run to my garage to paint or make art. The problem was it started to feel empty to me.   My kids would of course want to come out in the garage and see what I was doing then end up just making me frustrated because I would lose that focus I had or my thoughts would change to just the Mothering side of my brain and I just couldn’t do it!  It was clear to me when I had my first critique that I made some of my better art right after my son was born.  That first Painting that I made in my makeshift studio in our rental house’s guest bathroom.  It was YOUTH and it was glorious to me.  Finally getting time to scrape paint across something. To rip and cut images from old magazines and create a new world to describe my new feelings as a mother.  I was in control of my Son’s youth. It was a lot to take in. I have always felt a millions times freer and happier when I am in my creating mode.  I need that time to process, think, even heal from the days mistakes, troubles, confusion, or just about anything you can think of.  My time alone in my mind, even though the whole time my son was next to me in his playpen, babbling away and watching me and then teething on his funny toys.   So during my critique it seemed I started turning robotic in my art.  Too formulaic they said.  It made sense to hear but of course my own self couldn’t see it.  I was so happy to be torn down like that.  Although it did shake me a little to my core.  I worked and worked and finally after a night of self-pity and calling my whole creative existence a sham I woke up the next morning with a lightness in my body.  I figured it out. I was missing MY LIFE.  I needed to bring it back into my art.  I needed to create with it around me not hide from it so I could create.  This is what I am doing now, mothering, being a wife, still being my own woman all wrapped into one.  I am taking and creating from what’s around me and I am creating my own images and stories from my own environment.  So please take a look at 2017 and enjoy this new journey that I am taking.  I finally feel that “glorious” feeling again.


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